Navigating friendships when you are a mom

how lonely it becomes and how much time is enough?

Hello Readers,

I have not been on here in quite some time. the last post was the beginning of the new year. So pretty much I haven’t written on here since the new year began. Life seems a bit chaotic with a toddler and baby on the way. I am now in my second trimester with my second pregnancy and I have felt so many feelings the bast three months. I thought I should come back on here and just do a thought dump. Essentially I just want to talk about what’s been on my mind lately, Friendships.

I don’t feel like we talk enough about navigating friendships through different periods of our life. How lonely it can become and how different it is when you start to form your own family. In my early 20’s and even high school I feel like I had ton of friends. I would always have someone to talk to and go to if I had some kind of issue. There wasn’t a short of friendships I couldn’t navigate. Now, in my 30s life just seems a bit different. A lot of the friendships I had in the past have diminished whether it be from distance, falling out, growing apart, or even just not keeping in touch. Then I think about if they were even friendships to begin with? were they merely conveniences. I say this in not a snarky way but just thinking through them it was easy in high school you saw the same people everyday 5 days a week and spent pretty much all day with them. In my early 20s, In college, meeting so many different people, being a part of a sorority/fraternity you met people everyday. You room with them and then you get to know them on a different level. It wasn’t until I moved back home to finish college where I met more people who become good friends.

I feel like not many people talk about proximity to friendships. A lot of the people I was friends with in my 20s still live in the same place and hang out with the same people. They go to each other’s weddings (the ones I am not invited to) and they go to big events like kids birthday parties! Everyone still seems to be friends but me. I often wonder did I push them out? was it my fault were not friends anymore, did I not reach out enough while gone? was I not communicating with them? whatever the case is I went from having a ton of friends to this silo! Even good friends of mine it just doesn’t feel the same anymore. I use to see friends from my 20s when I was single living the grad life in Washington DC because of course when you live across country people find it appealing because they have a place to stay with you! who wouldn’t want to travel to a new state with a free stay? I often wonder if that was the only reason they wanted to visit me! Now that I am in the middle of nowhere (Nebraska) not one friend has visited-well let me take that back, except my best friend! She has been here twice since I moved out here with my little military family. No one else has ever visited me here because why would they? It’s not like it’s convenient or enticing? I don’t live in New York or Florida, vacation spots. I live in the middle of nowhere, which also feels like another testament of convenience. Are friendships all about convenience? I really just wanted my friends to visit me because it’s lonely out here. Maybe if I told them I was lonely they would be more prone to coming out? I just hate having to convince people to want to visit me. I just want them to want to visit? Even if I live in the middle of nowhere. I get it though I wouldn’t want to visit friends in the middle of nowhere either. It’s the convenience I guess.

This feels like such a dump of my thoughts all over the place so let me reel back. when you become a mom (in my experience) you start to realize who is really there for you and who puts that effort into trying to be there for you. I can probably count maybe 3 friends who have really asked how I am doing and have tried to make an effort with being there for me. It’s hard for me to ask for help so that is my issue but for me when I think of friendships, I always think about the other persons feelings not my own. if that makes any sense? I am always trying to think if I were in their shoes or how would they feel. I feel like we get so caught up in our own world we forget to think about others. I guess I can give an example, I will always answer your text, call, or however you try to reach me social media. Even having a toddler and being pregnant I still manage to answer calls whenever someone calls me. (which seems rare now a days). Sometimes I feel like I put so much effort into friendships and it isn’t reciprocated back. I wish that weren’t the case and as a mom you start to feel it more because you want your kids to have good friendships. you want to be a good example of that. I just fear sometimes I am not living up to the expectations of others. I want to show my kids what good healthy relationships are. Especially when it comes to friendships because it can be so hard to navigate sometimes. People see things differently than you.

I feel sad sometimes wishing I had that core friend group you see online a lot with women. The ones where they drop everything and just come to surprise you to visit because they know you are having a hard time. The friendships where you tell each other everything and don’t judge each other for it. The ones who listens and cares for your well being that they would do whatever it takes to protect you. Then, I think, I have that. My husband has become one of not the one best friend that has been through everything with me. Whether that be going into the marriage with him, living with someone for so long, navigating work, becoming parents, dropping everything to make me feel seen, heard, and special. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is my best friend and I do have a few close friends who I know I could turn to. I do wish sometimes I had more though because we always crave more. I want to be okay with what I have, I want to make sure that I am nurturing the amazing few friends I have left but while everyone is living their own lives, its hard not to feel alone in this period of time.

I think that is the best thing about being human you can feel two things at once. I do feel alone at times but then I feel so whole! My Best friends boyfriend said to us after finding out we are having a boy this pregnancy, how do you have it so made! the husband, the house, the kids, the family, the friends, the LIFE! I don’t take that for granted because in other peoples eyes, yea I might have it all but at the same time, I still feel so alone in it all! Two truths can exist at the same time! isn’t that so beautiful?

I hope anyone who reads this knows you are not alone in feeling alone with out friendships. I have a few good friends that I cherish and adore but at the same time I wish friendships were easier to navigate as your life drastically changes. I hope you feel seen and know that no matter how many friends you have, you are not alone!

Best Regards,

JB